Thursday

   As 2017 comes to a close, I want to de-clutter. It's time to fully release my story. I've held on to it long enough. I have no desire to continue to carry these bodies of sadness, disappointment, hurt, anger, and pain into a new season. In fact, in order for me to move into a new season, it's essential that I let go. No amount of expected pity is going to make me stronger. In the new year, I hope to write about my journey through healing. It's time to lay the last brick in the foundation.

  Do you remember back when I mentioned that I had a 2nd cousin match on Ancestry? Well, that 2nd cousin had a first name, and no it's not O-S-C-A-R. I digress. My cousin's name is Sam. Once I discovered his name, I went back to cousin LeRoy and asked him if he knew Sam. If Sam was my 2nd cousin, then I wanted to know all of his 1st cousins. One of those 1st cousins had to be my bio parent. LeRoy knew Sam, and I was excited! I was going to finally narrow this thing down. But, there was a hitch. Do you remember my hope in NOT wanting to be descended from the family of the woman that had 13 kids? Well, you can call 13 my lucky number, because cousin Sam was one of those descendants, and so was I.
  I wrote Sam a letter detailing who I was and what my search was about. I asked him to call me when he received my letter. Meanwhile, LeRoy's daughter was guiding me in who was related to Sam on Facebook. She directed me to a couple of his aunts and a few of his first cousins. This was beyond good. It was groundbreaking. Now I was looking at great-aunts, and maybe even aunts. My head started spinning. Beyonce can't twirl on her haters the way my my mind twirled on this new information. After months at sea, I was starting to see land. So, in my normal fashion, I began to type out private Facebook messages to strangers. My stomach was in knots. I did the whole "I know this sounds crazy and I'm trying not to scare the hell out of you " spiel. It was a Thursday night, I remember it so well. A woman named Jean (one of Sam's aunts) read my message and asked if she could call me. My heart jumped into my throat. I said yes, and gave her my phone number.
  Jean was excited to speak with me. She said that she felt a sadness in her heart for my story and felt that someone in her family "needed to know that they have a seed". Ummmmmm, I'm so much more than a seed. I shutter at the thought. Le sigh and Le vomit. I gave a few bits of information about myself, and I told her that I'd been researching my familial roots on Ancestry. I also shared with her that I was connected to her nephew Sam, and that she may be my great aunt or aunt. She gasped. Her next sentence hit me like the strongest winds that pushed me clean across the Atlantic: "I think I know who your father is". Time stopped. Seven months of searching halted and stood at attention. Every shred of research that once lay beside me on my sofa, all just seemed to rise and stare at me. I was effin breathless. I was speechless. I was motionless. I'm not sure that I ever thought that I would reach this point. Jean said that she wanted talk with one of her brothers, and that she didn't want to give me his name until she knew for sure. It was 11 p.m. on a Thursday night. There was no way that I was going to get any sleep.


Friday morning came, and I lay in bed with a mind that had been running at an immeasurable speed throughout the night. I was wide awake. I was anxious and nervous. I knew that I'd found the right family. I had all the evidence and research to prove that. But, was I ready to find out the identity of my bio father? Did he even know that I existed? Did he have a family? Would this devastate them? There was no way that I was going to catch my track star of a mind. It was off to the races and I was left as a shell, just holding all my insides togther. At about 9:30 a.m. I got a phone call from Jean. Her sentence was definitive. "I know who your father is." As she told me some details that I had not shared with her, I gasped. I began to cry. She was right. My biological father was her brother. Jean was my aunt. And Sam, was my half first cousin. That meant that we only shared one grandparent, which was our grandmother. My goodness. Jean gave me her brother's phone number and asked me to call him.  I burst into a flurry of tears, and Jean quickly exited the conversation to let me cry alone. I was stunned. I had a name and a number, and I had just spoken to my aunt.

Season 2: The Show Goes On

 

 




  It's good to be back. I've gone through some major life changes which pulled away from my blog for a while. I look forward to sharing some of those things here with those who will journey with me. If you're here, thank you. I appreciate that I can share my story with you. I titled it "Season 2", because a new reader said that it's like a television show. They're just joining me on my journey, so they are going to binge read "Season 1". I love that! So here goes Season 2....

  I was really careful after excavating the information about the incest. At this point, I approached my new found family members with caution. I sensed that my search was making others uncomfortable. This discomfort became glaringly obvious. Cousin Chloe texted me one day to ask me what high school I'd attended, and what was my maiden name. When I asked her why, she said that some of the younger family members felt that they may have gone to high school with me. She assured me that she was inquiring of this information in order to aid me in my search. That was a read flag to me. Something in me was like "This does not sound or feel right."None of this information would help her further my search. It was just more honey for the hive, more buzz for the bees. My biological parents would not have known what high school I'd attended, and they probably didn't know my adoptive parents either. I also couldn't figure out how anyone that went to high school with me would have been helpful to my process. I look back now, and giving her the information may have been harmless. But, at the time, it gave me pause. It gave me more than pause, it put me on alarm. Some of us adoptees can be quite afraid of anybody getting too close. I realized I was deeply afraid of someone traumatically altering my life again. Now this may seem extreme, but it was my fear at the time. So, I declined to give her the information, and then her end went silent. She would not say a word. I called and she would not answer the phone. I left her a message asking if we could talk. I was hoping that we could talk rather than text about such a heavy subject. But, we did not connect, and there I stood at a crossroads.
   I was hurt and disappointed. I was holding my search like a fragile glass menagerie. And, I had to decide if I was going to continue on, or slam it down and walk away from the entire process. I determined that my interaction with Chloe was but a lesson. She'd connected me with other helpful family members, and for that I was grateful. I allowed myself to feel the slight. I'd been reeled in to sharing something so personal with a complete stranger, and then she dropped me. However, I was not going to be deterred. As my elders would say "One monkey don't stop no show."

Interlacing Branches

Shit happens. No really, it does. And sometimes, it happens before you are even born.

 We couldn't hit the damn bulls eye, because everyone was dancing around a long held secret like an amateur boxer in the ring with Muhammad Ali. Think about this as you read. I was being blocked from my goal because someone was guarding a secret that was over 80 years old! My tree was not making sense to me because there was this strange entanglement that had to be figured out. I was going in circles. With the help of my friend Lorena, I had several hunches. But, before I could nail down a hunch, someone told the truth.
 LeRoy's wife commandeered the phone one day to let me know that there had been incest in the family. I wrote that last sentence like a hostile take over, but really she was quite tactful in her delivery. She relieved my confusion. A half bother and a half sister had a child together. Some of the family seemed to still carry that shame. It broke my heart that there still seemed to be guilt and shame lingering around. The half siblings went on to have other children by other people outside of the Blair family bloodline. My response was this: "Thank you for telling me, because this family tree was giving me a fit! And, we didn't have anything to do with that. It happened. We're here. Let's move forward. We have no need of carrying guilt or shame." I never fully estimated all that I would dig up when I embarked on this journey. And, I realize that keeping that incident hidden was not done in an effort to thwart my search. It just made it difficult for a time. They are my ancestors and that fact remains. Every one of their descendants can be free if they so choose...

All The Buzz

At the time that I messaged LeRoy and his daughter, I'd also messaged another woman who I thought may be a relative as well. Chloe lives in South Carolina, and she carries the last name of one of the ancestors on my tree, one of LeRoy's aunts. Chloe also responded to me via Facebook messaging. She came across warmhearted and friendly. She said that LeRoy's aunt was her great grandmother. I was thrilled. I'd found another cousin, even though I didn't know how. She then procured the help of other family members. I've got to say, that at this point she was treating me like a lost puppy that needed a home. That's how I felt. It was strange and demeaning. Perhaps I was misinterpreting her sympathy.
 Chloe enlisted the help of her former NFL player brother, Greg. They seemed like a well-meaning team. They even involved LeRoy in their search, as he is the senior statesman and could recall the year and time in which I was conceived and born. My name was buzzing all through the family. I'd become a "tea time" conversation. And, everyone wanted to know "which family member would do such a thing?!" (Insert the tone of someone disowning their sweet puppy. Ugh.). During the next two weeks following the 4th of July I was on conference calls with LeRoy, Chloe, Greg, LeRoy's daughter, and Bobby (The family historian of this group of branches). We were going in circles. We could not nail the bull's eye. We were having a hard time figuring out if they were related to me through my biological mother or my biological father.  I felt so close and yet so freaking far. And then, things got weird...
 As we were struggling with figuring out how I was related to them, I was getting confused by my family tree. There were some baffling relationships. They'd be hard to explain here without confusing you into tears. The more I continued to work on my family tree, the more it resembled a tangled ball of yarn. My new team knew something that I was not privy to. Unbeknownst to me, I'd walked into the midst of a deep family secret...

$2.95

 One Sunday morning at the end of June right before the 4th of July, I woke up super early with a determination so strong that I could not go back to sleep. I searched for Darcelle's great aunt on google, and I found her obituary.  In order to view the full obituary and guestbook, I had to pay $2.95 for 24 hours of access. I only needed about 30 minutes. In that half hour I studied this woman's beautiful and jovial face. I was searching for a sense of biological connection. What was so wild was that she attended a church called Silver Mount Baptist Church where she was a faithful member of the choir for umpteen (or even a few centennials) years. When I was a child, my adoptive mother took me to their mass choir's anniversary/concert every year. I sat right there listening to my relative sing. It was such a weird feeling to know that I'd been around my biological relatives on several occasions, and I didn't even know it. A brief sensation of loss brushed up against my heart. I went on to view the guest book. It was signed twice by a woman that seemed to be her daughter, and yet her words read like a granddaughter raised by her grandmother. It was heartbreaking to read of her loss. Her grieving mingled with mine had me sitting in the middle of my bed holding my bank card in one hand, and a pen and paper in the other while I cried silent tears. After 30 minutes I found myself afraid to close the obituary. Afraid to let go, and lose all the information...forever. I was holding on to every little bit that I obtained. It took just a little faith to close down that website and trust that there would be more. But, before I let go, I discovered the son's name. Leroy. They were definitely the people that Darcelle had talked about. I then turned to my trusted friend, Facebook, for more information. I messaged Leroy and his daughter. About two days later, his daughter responded...
 At first glance, she said that she thought that I was someone who was trying to sell her something. (Immediately I thought "I have got to change the cheesiness of my opening sentence.".) But then, something told her to open the message and read it. Through empathy and compassion she was able to see that my message was real, and that I was asking for her help. She instantly welcomed me to the family. She sent me her phone number, and we connected on the morning of the 4th of July. Everything in me was going off like fireworks. I knew that I was close. It was like circling the perimeter of this major thing. She assured me that she would be seeing her father, LeRoy, and that she would talk to him about me. She also said that she would speak to another family member that was quite knowledgeable with the family tree. I was so excited and so nervous. Impatience started tapping me on the shoulder. I wanted the answers last year! We hung up, and I waited...

The Thigh Bone's Connected to the Knee Bone...

 I was on a mission to continue filling in the Blair side of my growing family tree. I contacted my 3rd cousin match Avarisse via Ancestry messaging. She promptly and kindly responded to me. Her message reads as follows:

I will help you as much as I can remember. I believe my paternal grandparents are Israel and Daisey but I don't remember anything about them. My dad was one of their sons, Woodrow. I will call you this evening. Happy first day of Summer.






 Avarisse also has a sister named Darcelle. She felt that Darcelle had more knowledge of family relations, names, dates, times, places, births, and deaths. Darcelle is the historian in that part of the family. Both of these darling sisters were so open to helping me. Most importantly, they embraced me as family, and I embraced them as well. Darcelle went to work recalling all of the dispersed family members that lived in Charlotte during the time of my conception and birth. We were hot on a trail. There was just one very large problem. Our family tree had lots of severed branches. This broke my heart. The ways in which I'd imagined my biological family to be, were starting to crumble. While this reality was sad to me, it was color splashed on a blank page. It was truth and identities. There were first and second cousins that did not know each other. Hell, I'm someone's daughter, sibling, niece, and aunt, and we did not know each other due to the separation of adoption.
 Avarisse's and Darcelle's father was a Blair through his mother. Darcelle told me about some relatives that her late father once spoke of. It was a family of  eleven or thirteen children. Darcelle couldn't remember the exact number. She'd never met them, but she'd heard of them. They all lived in Charlotte among other relatives. She knew that they were her cousins, but she didn't know how. She recalled her father saying how they lived in some apartments in the south side of Charlotte  I was hoping against all hope that the family with eleven or more children was not my immediate part of the family. Researching a tree made of so many offspring was a mofo. No thank you. The only Blair that Darcelle could recall was a great aunt of hers. She knew that her great aunt had died some time in the recent past. This great aunt had a son, and the son had a daughter. She could remember the great aunt's name, but had trouble recalling her son's name. All that she could remember is that his name started with an L...

Special Link

 I couldn't stay down forever. It was time to stand up for another round. In all my fragility and the strength that only God gives, I planted both feet on the path of my search and I moved forward. Dee, the confidential intermediary, had not contacted me in a while. I called to let her know about Kevin Sr and the paternity test results, and she let me know that she would continue searching for my biological parents. June 2016 carried heavy days of exhaustive waiting. I was at a rest stop with my family tree. I just didn't know which branch to follow, until a 3rd cousin match appeared. Her name is Avarisse.
  On Father's Day weekend of June 2016, she showed up as my relative match on Ancestry.
 Up until my meeting Kevin, I was working on my family tree with very little progress. It's incredibly difficult to fill in a family tree when one does not know their biological parents and grandparents. But, it can be done. It's not impossible. When Avarisse came along, she was like that missing puzzle piece. She was that glorious part that connected all the others (At the time, I had two other close cousins that I knew were related, but I did not know what branch of my tree that they were on. I'd mirrored a tree from the tree of one of these close cousins. Avarisse turned out to be related to both of these cousins. She also had a small public family tree.). Through her I was able to see a definite bloodline.
  It was beyond the value of gold. I now had a treasure that I'd opined for. A family name. Blair. In the moment that I was blessed with the clarity to connect the dots, my past, present, and future came together in this magnificent collision. Names that I'd filled in on my tree now had a significance to me. I was beginning to understand their relationship to me. I melted into the ugliest and most beautiful sob that my entire being could let loose. I cried  for generations past, present, and future. I could feel the relief of my soul. I released a pain held so deeply that I could feel blood coursing through my veins. It took my breath away and yet filled me with fresh life. My spot was marked. I belonged to the Blair family line. Now it was time to see how...