While I Waited

 I wanted something tangible to hold on to at the very beginning of my search. No information had materialized yet, and I wanted something real. As a symbol of my faith, I purchased a family tree album from Barnes and Noble. This precious book was marked as a clearance item. It's empty pages held such promise. I had plans to acknowledge the family that I grew up in, but this was to have written proof of my DNA relatives. I cried as I looked through it for the first time. It was blank (of course). But, looking at the spaces for mother, father, siblings, and so forth, left blank spaces in my heart and mind. I filled in my name, my husband's name and the names of my children. I could not go beyond that point. Not knowing is like running into some invisible wall. It's so strange.

 I have to say that I was not the most patient person in waiting. Those non-identifying forms could not get back to me fast enough. My husband and Lorena would anchor me down and encourage me. Lorena would tell me that once those forms came back that things would really kick up. I was told to relax and just enjoy each present moment. It was difficult. The DNA kit could take anywhere from 4 to 6 weeks to yield results. It was that feeling of being so close, but so far away. During this time I perused the Ancestry website. I familiarized myself with it's inner workings. With Lorena's guidance, this place would become a second home to my aching eyes, restless mind, and hopeful heart.

 When the first three weeks had passed while waiting on my non-identifying papers from the state, I emailed Dee. I wanted to see if my information had been received from the state. Since she is a confidential intermediary, all information had to be filtered through her. What a load of crap! This mess was designed to cause massive ass headaches.  This was the response that I got from Dee:                        

I am writing to let you know that I am still awaiting your adoption file from the state office.  Once the file is receive I will provide you with your non-identifying information and start the research process.  If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me.

Sadly, my questions were often met with silence. I'm sure that it was because Dee just did not have answers. I was positive that she had a heavy caseload. I was apt to be gracious until I called her at the six week mark, and she informed me that my information had been in her possession for several days. She did not update me, because she had not sifted through the information and made sure that there were no identifiers. This law SUCKS! She was withholding my information so that she could WITHHOLD my identification. This frustrated the living poo out of me. Dear God, I was praying for another way to conduct my search beyond Mecklenburg County DSS. It was March 11, 2016...

Tools For the Dig

The last time that I left off, I'd just received the information about me having a sister. At the time that I was born she was about 11 or twelve. This information would be vital as I searched.
 My adoption was a closed adoption. My birth records, including my original birth certificate, were legally sealed. I have never seen nor owned my original birth certificate. So, I was starting my search from scratch. From my research I found out that I needed my non-identifying information. This is paper work that gives descriptions and other limited information about me and my birth parents without disclosing their names. I was adopted through the Mecklenburg County Department of Social Services. I would need to apply for my non-identifying information through them. My goodness. On January 11, 2016 I spent an entire morning being tossed around through Mecklenburg County DSS until I landed in Family and Youth Services. They not only handled current adoptions, but they also helped in adoption reunions. Here is where I met Dee*. Dee was the social worker assigned to my case. She informed me on how to apply for my non-identifying information. All of the paper work had to be notarized and sent in with a copy of my license. I was so excited. I was now going to get some clues, and maybe even some answers. I sent my application in, and I waited...
As I waited for my non-identifying information to come back, I just could not keep still. *Dee, the caseworker, told me that my information could take 3 to 6 weeks to arrive from the state capital (Raleigh, NC). I was on edge. I was excited and anxious to see what I could find out. I was hoping for something that I didn't know. In the meantime, I reached out to a friend who had been adopted as well. She was actively doing her own search. She became a safe harbor for me. She supplied me with information and wisdom in ways that I would have never imagined. We don't live in the same state, but her shoulders were right there for me to cry on. I am so thankful to God for Lorena. She suggested that I do a DNA test kit. For the first time, I was about to connect with DNA relatives. For the first time, I was about to connect to my immediate ancestors. And, for the first time, I was about to see their connection to me. I was no longer going to be the "only" ancestor that my children had. I was going to see myself as a part of a continuum. That nearly blew my mind. So, in March of 2016, I submitted a DNA test kit to Ancestry.

What I Did Not Know

On New Year's Day of 2016 I revealed to my mother that I was going to officially search for my biological relatives. It was time to stop wondering and get to work. Upon my asking, she revealed to me...
that I had a sister. WHAT?! I'd never been told that I had sister. My mother said that my birth mother told the social worker that she had a daughter that was eleven at the time that I was born. According to my mom, my sister had disabilities. I was floored. I tried to hold my composure. My emotions ran wild. What the hell??? I was thrilled to learn that I had a sister. I always wanted a sister. It was a longing in my heart. It was a connection that I felt that I'd somehow missed out on. Then I became incredibly sad. What  type of disabilities did my sister have? My mind began to race at how I'd missed a lifetime of helping to care for her. And then... then there was anger. It was stirred in with the rest of my emotions like a sticky goo. I was pissed. Why had this information been kept from me for all of these years? Why did I have to ask in order to be told such important information? I was steaming.  I thought I'd explode. I felt like a damned pressure cooker. Yet, this all remained under wraps. I took in this information as it was vital to my next step...

“Usually when we hear or read something new, we just compare it to our own ideas. If it is the same, we accept it and say that it is correct. If it is not, we say it is incorrect. In either case, we learn nothing.” 
-Thich Nhat Hanh

January 1, 2016

 *The views and opinions expressed in this blog are my own. The detailed events are given from my point of view. However, there are other people involved in my story. Unless they expressly told me their feelings, I will not try to speculate about those feelings here. If you are given to what you read here, then it will take you on quite a journey. Hold on, be open, and please seek to understand. Thank you for joining me*

 The New Year seems to bring excitement and hope by the bag fulls. We gaze forward with dreams to do better in our lives. We make plans, goals, and resolutions. Our spirits grow warm with anticipation for greater days than those that have passed. The year 2016 will forever be legendary in my life. I rang in the New Year with a new boldness in my heart. My mind was set and I was moving forward. I was ready to search for my biological relatives. My husband and I discussed me moving forward in this venture, and he so lovingly gave me his support. My husband is a running theme of silent strength. He is a constant thread of love woven into my spirited highs, and deep and dark lows. I savored every ounce of that in the year to come.
  I did my regular New Year's phone calls. I spoke with my mother that day, and the conversation was quite open. Honestly, it was deep and open. From my point of view, it was as candid as we'd ever been with each other. I saw an open window. I shared with her that I wanted to search for my biological relatives. We very rarely spoke of my adoption. That subject was pretty much off limits. I experienced such shame with the concept of adoption that I didn't speak about it with anyone else either. Because I didn't really speak about it, I never adequately addressed the kettle of emotions boiling deep beneath my surface. I stifled the rumble to the point of believing that there wasn't much emotion there at all. I now realize that I was afraid to openly own my curiosity and longings for knowing where I came from. Because we'd not spoken about my adoption since I was a child, I tread lightly. I was not on a quest to replace my parents. That couldn't be done. I didn't want that. But, I was thirsty for my truth. Of course, I could search without uttering a word. But as my parents, I believed that they deserved the respect of knowing. And, in some way, I wanted the honor of their blessing. I wanted my search to be done openly before them. No more secrets. It was time to shine the light into some dark corners. My nerves stood on edge a bit, and I forged ahead. I asked my mother if she knew anything about my birth mother and biological father. What she said next threw me for a loop...

Head for the Mountains

It's been a full year since I began my search for my biological relatives. Oh my. I am so full of gratitude and sheer joy. It has been a year tatted with tears, shouldered with angst, elevated in hope, brushed with doubts, and driven with raw determination. As my heart and mind span over 2016, I am in awe of all that has taken it's place. The timing was just right. Everything was primed and ready. It was the most trying and rewarding time of my life all at once. Some days I wasn't sure if I'd continue. At times I was just sure that I would break. This journey took me on a path straight to my core. It was just as much about discovering who was inside as much as it was about discovering who was out there. I was on a quest for the truth. It took me to the past and propelled me forward all at once. I felt my heart break and I felt my heart open. My soul would bow low in exhaustion, and then my spirit would soar high in triumph. Each step causing a soul shaking transformation that caused things that weren't truly me to fall away. God and I on an archaeological dig, brushing, scraping, and digging away at the things that had covered up my brilliance. Will you head to the mountains with me? Let me show you what was dug up. Will you journey with me? Come. There's much to see...

Photo:Archeology TIME