Cracked: Glorious Light Coming Through

 The paternity test results was a devastating reality. And, meeting Kevin Sr. and his family was an immense gift. I wanted DNA to connect me, Kevin, and his children. After all, finding blood relatives was the soul purpose of my search. But, the news of  a biological connection was a fate that did not belong to us. And yet, we were connected in growing affection and budding friendships. It hurt. The sting came as a result of my crushed expectations and hopes. Many who counsel in the way of adoption searches and reunions tell adoptees to be open and devoid of expectations. I don't know how the heck they do that! Humanness can be a dry cup thirsty for the filling of hopes, dreams, and expectations. One can't help but to let a few drops seep in. It was exhilarating and fulfilling. We come in touch with new space, new lives, and new experiences. The breadth and depth of our love had expanded. Life had a brilliant novelty and a crushing force.
  I felt like a fighter who was down, but not out. But, I most certainly was down. Kevin Sr. expressed a disappointment that warmed my heart and caused it to break all at once. His children were more than ready to keep dancing in this circle of love, family, and friendship. The tone of their voices gave way to sadness, but the expressions of their hearts were love and acceptance. They gently declared that they'd still have me as their sister, and the test results did not change that. Once again my heart hummed sweetly in gratitude as it was shrieking in pain. My heart was full of joy and pain. This soulful dichotomy was like that of a cracked windshield. I was breaking. One light tap and I was sure to shatter....

The Tribe

 Kevin Jr. broke the ice. He was that arm that reached through all of my nervous wondering, and firmly grasped my hand. His curious and kind welcome walked me into this amazing circle of siblings. When Kevin Jr. opened the door, then Yalonda and Latoya called.  Before we could get test results back, they'd received me as their sister. They had this beautiful way about them that was new and refreshing to me. I felt like I'd joined this tribal dance at an open part of the circle, and we just kept moving. Our hearts felt like old friends. Their brand of love was like, "Come on in, fix a plate, sit down, and eat. Stay for a while.".
 They were hilarious and honest. They were one likable bunch. We were interacting as siblings. This scared me. I didn't want what I desired to be true to get in the way of what was actually true. I did not want my hopes and dreams to be shattered. I did not want Kevin Sr. and his children to be disappointed if he turned out not to be my biological father. This situation had me in emotional limbo. I desperately wanted the hardcore evidence of the test results, but I also wanted to know and believe that I'd found my biological father and siblings.  Their grip on reality was sobering to me. It pulled me away from the siren call of the ghost kingdom and grounded me in a loving reality. This was a possibility. I look back realizing that DNA, paternity tests, and percentages do not define family. Love does. Connection does. One does not have to do a back breaking limbo underneath the offer of love. Stand up straight and receive this beautiful gift in many forms.
 For the next three weeks, we worked towards getting to know one another. It was a time that I reflect on in great fondness. While attachment grew, so did impatience. Waiting on those test results was like dragging around some lifeless body. I'd tell myself that it was heavy, and that worrying was pointless. The facts were the facts. The truth was already in existence. We could not alter our DNA based on wants and desires. On June 1, 2016, the results were in... Kevin Sr. was NOT my father...

Waiting

 Meeting Diane was akin to finding a treasure trove. I relive that day over and over in my mind. My hands smooth lovingly over the mementos that she gave me, and I smile with gratitude. I know that her prayers and well wishes have helped to carry me on along my journey.
 With meeting Diane, Kevin and the paternity test were doing the do-si-do in my mind. On the weekend that I met Diane, one of Kevin's daughters was graduating from college as a nurse. I was thrilled to hear of such an awesome achievement. I think that nurses possess a special gifting. But, I also felt a sadness. I could possibly be missing a milestone in my potential sister's life. It was hard as hell not to jump the gun. As an adoptee, I'd visited the "ghost kingdom"* often, and now I was on my journey to truth. I continually battled to stay in the moment and focus on reality. It was like holding back a tsunami.  I did not want to overwhelm Kevin's family. I was trying not to overwhelm myself. I didn't want to reach out to his adult children until he had a chance to speak with them about me. My stomach was twisted in all kinds of knots. I wondered and I waited. I wondered how his children would feel about possibly having another sibling. How would this affect them? What would they think of their father? What would they think of me? I was secretly hoping to get a little peek inside the sibling circle. And, that's just what I got.
 Kevin Jr. messaged me through my trusted pal, Facebook. It went like this:

Heyyyyyy soooooo I have something to talk with you about ...

I know this is odd.

When I read his message I just stared at it. I was so grateful that he reached out to me. I just didn't know where his message was leading. Embracing the unknown would become a learned skill. The message was somewhat ambiguous to me. My prayer for a peek had been answered, but the mysteriousness was driving me crazy. I then proceeded to pepper my husband with all of my nerve-wrecking questions.  Finally I settled down (and some hours had passed) and messaged this:

Hi Kevin, I just saw this message. Ooops. I'd love to talk to you. At this point you may be traveling. If you'd like to call me my number is

Once he read my message he sent me this:

Hey I just saw your message. I didn't want to call you too late. However my dad talked to us this weekend and we heard you were in search of your relatives.

My stomach did a Simone Biles somersault into my throat. Kevin Jr. phoned me thereafter... 

*A ghost kingdom is the place within a person's psyche that houses fantasy. It can be thought of as an alternate reality. Many adoptees will fantasize about their biological relatives. In the absence of truth (reality), the person escapes into a  fantasy. 

          

 

Sap From The Family Tree (Meeting Diane)

On May 16, 2016 I was on a my way to meet my DNA cousin Diane. I was desperately trying to drink in the moment. I was fighting to not be distracted by ordering a paternity test with Kevin. I wanted every cell in my body to be present at this beautiful occasion. This was a precious gift. It was a dream come true to meet and hug a blood relative outside of my children. My nerves were dancing all over the place. My husband and kids were excited and curious like I was. The trip was incredible.
 Diane and her sweet husband met us at their local IHOP. There's nothing like family, eggs, and pancakes. Syrup should make anybody smile. Diane was warm and kind. A gentle and wise spirit. When she walked in, she and I embraced. It was a suture to my soul. She was unmistakably beautiful. Her features resembled someone native to India. I really wanted to just hold her face in my hands, and savor her presence. Her realness. I was soon to see that her beauty transcended her physical appearance.

 We sat and talked with a familiarity that was almost creepy to me. I knew her. I really knew her. We were deeper than niceties. We started with questions about likes, interests, and hobbies, and then we journeyed further. She shared her experience with me as a family historian. She imparted a bit of her soul to me as she generously allowed me a view into how she lovingly lives her life. Our conversation connected at the heart and soul. Listening to her was like words and sounds that gold would make if it could talk. Pure. Precious. Bright. Reflective.I steadied myself in the moment. I could see parts of myself in Diane. It was a beautiful capsule in time. I felt so welcomed and received. I'd sat at the table and been fed of a nourishing love that superseded the pancakes and syrup.  The air around her was refreshing.  DNA and heritage are amazing.We don't look alike, but we share other striking similarities. Our spirits are akin to each other.  I was awe struck by the things that can be inherited within a family.  She continually spoke words of blessings that would meet me and pursue me along my search.  Meeting Diane will forever live in my heart. IHOP's pancakes and syrup couldn't touch such a sweet moment....

Paternal Instincts

 On May 12, 2016, my search reached a new point. My cousin Precious' cousin heard of my information, and felt that he could possibly be my biological father. When I read Precious' message relaying this to me, then I read Precious' message relaying this to me. Then, I read Precious' message relaying this to me. After that I read.. you get it. The words, "I could possibly be her father.", just kept pulsating on the screen. I felt frozen and unable to sit still all at once. This powerful force of emotions shoved me into a surreal place in and yet out of time. I stood motionless in the middle of my living room floor. For all that I know, I could have been standing on top of a volcano as a dragon hungrily approached me. Nothing seemed real.
 I called my husband and told him that I may know my biological father. We were speechless for a moment after that statement. It was late afternoon, and the kids were spread abroad for various after school activities. My husband was headed home straight for me. Precious told me that his name was Kevin. He lived in North Carolina, and he'd lived near Charlotte around the time frame of my conception. He wanted me to call him. The idea of this phone call was so weighted that I felt like I would be making it from some other dimension. My head was spinning. Could this part of my search be at an end? Perhaps I'd reached a new beginning. It was time to take a deep breath and call Kevin...
 We connected on the phone on a Thursday evening. His voice swirled around me like I was in a wind tunnel. It was a lot to take in. We both asked each other a series of questions.We were both trying to catch our footing. Joy, pain, sadness, regret, confusion, and more had come to spin us dutifully on a crazy merry-go-round. Talking with each other was like stumbling around for solid ground after spinning wildly on this topsy-turvy merry-go-round.  The guards were up, but the kindness prevailed. We were unsure of what to do in such a life changing event. Every emotion, word, and thought were the foundation of an unstable ground that left me wobbly. But, we were receptive to one another.  Through this life-jolting uncertainty, I found Kevin to be endearing. Kevin has seven children, and he has a fierce and protective heart for all of them. His nature is loving. His humility in light of such a profound situation rolled out gently from his words. The possibility of being my biological father seemed to strike a point of grief. It was a grief of potentially having missed out on a lifetime. The whole thing made my heart ache deeply. Beyond basic background information, lifelong questions began to stand up within me and demand answers. Some would have to sit back down at that time. Intense longings pressured and suppressed caused some agony below my surface. It wasn't time to let it all flow.
 At this point, I was overcome with a spirit of inquiry. I got curious, and put on my detective's cap. I turned to a trusted source for further research: Facebook. As soon as he accepted my friend request, I went on the hunt. I was all over his page. I was comparing facial features. I was trying to get a glimpse of his personality from his posts. I was just trying to hold on to something. We did not have solid evidence and answers. Some of our information was a bit off, bringing us to a quick answer of Kevin not being my biological father. I wanted to be sure for myself. A paternity test was definitely in order...

Treading Water

 Honestly, I was not let down too much by not finding my sister. There was a peace in knowing that she was real.  I'd chosen that road as a means of connecting to my birth mother. I look back relieved that I did not find my birth mother in that way. I am now beginning to understand the impact that my search has had on the lives of others. I knew that others were affected, but my own personal hunger and longing left me a bit numb to their feelings. I could only feel my soul-aching hunger pangs. They were loud pangs. They were the starving kind. A being starved for the nourishment of knowing and belonging. A leaf disconnected from it's branch on the tree. Something in the depth of my soul was seemingly insatiable.
  I was trying to keep up with a dogged search (It was made tireless due to my own single-mindedness) while trying to maintain a healthy home, work, and family life. I was trying to maintain a healthy me. I'd promised myself and my husband that I would not lose sight of the precious family that I already had. And, that I would not lose sight of me. Sometimes I struggled with my promise, but I never let it loose. There were days that I was just an exhausted shell of myself. I'd fight relentlessly to pull myself into the blessed moment of the present. I had to come up for air from time to time, because the whole thing would threaten to drown me. It's threats were actually promises that I did not want to take a chance on. I was happy to surrender to periodic rest.
 When I wasn't resting from my search, I was strolling avenues of possibility. I was thankful to have other search pathways in which to travel. During this time in May, my visit with my cousin Diane was getting closer, and my research was wearing me down a bit . And then, a new wave rolled in. A new wave of strength, a new wave of information, a new wave of possibility, a new wave of hope.   My cousin Precious and I had been trying to figure out our relation to one another. We messaged each other at odd hours as I am on the East coast and she is on the West coast. This search had me keeping late and insane hours any way (or rather, I was keeping my search going until late and insane hours). We searched around her family tree for answers. It felt like chasing "whascally wabbits". Nothing was concrete, and we were running down holes that brought us back out to where we started. She and I discussed her speaking with some of her other relatives (aunts, uncles, grandmother, and cousins) in order to see if anyone knew anything. We decided that she would offer some of my general information without giving my name. On May 12, 2016, one of her cousins stepped forward with a hunch that he was my father. My heart hit the floor...