January 1, 2016

 *The views and opinions expressed in this blog are my own. The detailed events are given from my point of view. However, there are other people involved in my story. Unless they expressly told me their feelings, I will not try to speculate about those feelings here. If you are given to what you read here, then it will take you on quite a journey. Hold on, be open, and please seek to understand. Thank you for joining me*

 The New Year seems to bring excitement and hope by the bag fulls. We gaze forward with dreams to do better in our lives. We make plans, goals, and resolutions. Our spirits grow warm with anticipation for greater days than those that have passed. The year 2016 will forever be legendary in my life. I rang in the New Year with a new boldness in my heart. My mind was set and I was moving forward. I was ready to search for my biological relatives. My husband and I discussed me moving forward in this venture, and he so lovingly gave me his support. My husband is a running theme of silent strength. He is a constant thread of love woven into my spirited highs, and deep and dark lows. I savored every ounce of that in the year to come.
  I did my regular New Year's phone calls. I spoke with my mother that day, and the conversation was quite open. Honestly, it was deep and open. From my point of view, it was as candid as we'd ever been with each other. I saw an open window. I shared with her that I wanted to search for my biological relatives. We very rarely spoke of my adoption. That subject was pretty much off limits. I experienced such shame with the concept of adoption that I didn't speak about it with anyone else either. Because I didn't really speak about it, I never adequately addressed the kettle of emotions boiling deep beneath my surface. I stifled the rumble to the point of believing that there wasn't much emotion there at all. I now realize that I was afraid to openly own my curiosity and longings for knowing where I came from. Because we'd not spoken about my adoption since I was a child, I tread lightly. I was not on a quest to replace my parents. That couldn't be done. I didn't want that. But, I was thirsty for my truth. Of course, I could search without uttering a word. But as my parents, I believed that they deserved the respect of knowing. And, in some way, I wanted the honor of their blessing. I wanted my search to be done openly before them. No more secrets. It was time to shine the light into some dark corners. My nerves stood on edge a bit, and I forged ahead. I asked my mother if she knew anything about my birth mother and biological father. What she said next threw me for a loop...