Missing Links and Important Clues

I couldn't quite accept this closed door. My "legal father" was not responding to phone calls or messages. It was painful. I'd come so close to some answers. I had a fragment of the story, a small darkened piece of history. I tried desperately to see things from his perspective. But, without contact, my view was limited.  However, I had to count my blessings in what I did discover. I'd found out that my birth mother was married to another man who was NOT my biological father. That mattered. I found out that this "legal father" signed my adoption papers. That mattered. I found out that he had remarried, and that mattered. I have to say that I couldn't touch the depths of my pain and anger over the idea of another man signing me away into foster care. I grieved for the baby that I was. So helpless. I fought hard to keep my mind out the space of wondering what type of person gives away a child that is not his. My life, identity, and medical history matter. I felt like I was in a crap storm of human maneuverings and corrective attempts to poor decisions. I was and still am a life in the midst of it all. I matter.
 What no one seemed to have a clue about was my sister. My non-identifying information did not mention her. To my knowledge, my 'legal father" did not mention her. Was she his daughter? Did she exist? In the history of adoption, caseworkers have often made up stories and relatives to "doctor up" the family history of the child being adopted. Since Dee seemed to have no knowledge of my sister, I was wondering if she was "made up". I called my mom and told her about my recent discovery. She said that she was told that my birth mother was single and raising my disabled sister. My mother and I had some differing information at this point. The adoption papers that my mother had never mentioned my birth mother's marital status. My non-identifying information listed her marital status as separated. The papers that my mother possessed gave my birth mother's age at the time of my birth. My particular packet of paperwork did not give her age. When I asked Dee about my sister and the other mismatched information, she said that nothing was ever mentioned of a sister. Dee even questioned me on where I'd gotten that information. As I continued to mention missing information and concerns, Dee became quiet about questions concerning "missing" or "varying" information. My hope was sinking, and my frustration was rising. At this point, my "legal father" was my only "found" link to my beginnings. So in a last ditch effort, I wrote him a letter:

"Hello Sir,
 I really don't know how to start a letter like this. First, let me say "thank you" for responding to the intermediary. I truly appreciated hearing from you through her. At this time, I just want to express my heart..."

Dee, my confidential intermediary, said that it never occurred to her to ask the questions that I was asking. She felt that all contact was lost after that first and last phone call with my "legal father". She never sent my letter. He never saw it...

Toothpicks for an Excavation

 My non-identifying information was quite limited. I wasn't given any medical history. That remained buried.  I was given court information about termination of parental rights. All forms had my name and my birth parents' names redacted. I also received a general physical description on my birth mother, and an even more limited physical description on my birth father. Tall. slim, and Black(African American). That's it. Yep, that about narrows it down. I combed through my entire packet. I hung onto every word trying to suck it dry of some form of a clue. It was exhausting. I cried. I wailed. I'd hit a wall, or so it seemed. What I was quick to learn from my dear friend Lorena, is that EVERYTHING mattered. I would become the detective that I never knew that I was. Some days it [the search] was invigorating. I felt accomplished. It seemed like I could take on anything. Other days, it left me drained and despondent.

  After I settled from the shock, I was extremely excited that my 'legal father" had been located.  I wanted to know what he remembered. Was he willing to cooperate with the intermediary? Was this a painful memory for him? Did he hate my birth mother? Was he sure that I was not his daughter? I had questions rolling out in wheel barrels! I contacted Dee by phone and by email. I always used every channel of communication that I could with her. I tried to be reasonable and thoughtful about her workload, and I tried to space out my inquiries as to give her time in working with others and receiving information about my case. On April 3rd, Dee informed me that she spoke with my "legal father". I was filled with the type of excitement that made me want to wet my pants...

 First off, he'd remarried. I was told that his wife listened in on this particular phone call. She was described as being quite vocal and full of inquiries. Dee said that my "legal father" said that he did not remember much from all those years ago. Let me interject right here. How in the bleepity bleep do you not remember much about a situation involving yourself and the adoption of a child? Really?! Let's move on... He said that he was not sure of my birth mother's location. I was told that he remembers her as having three brothers, and that her family was from Charlotte, NC. Dee believed that due to his wife's presence, he answered very few questions.  Things were almost made to seem like he didn't remember that part of his life at all. He wished me well through Dee, and said that she could call back if I had other questions. According to Dee, she failed to ask some of the important questions that I asked above. My mind was reeling. He was the first contact that had been made that held information about my beginnings. When she called back, he never answered the phone again...

Faint Marks to Dark Scribbles

On March 14, 2016, I got a long awaited email from Dee. My non-identifying information had been scanned and sent to me. I requested a hard copy as well. I wanted my proof in hand. The intermediary's job is also to take the identifying information and try and contact the biological parents. If located, the biological parents are given an opportunity to consent to contact with the adoptee. Here is the email from Dee:

I have attached your adoption summary.  The is very limited information on your history in your adoption file.  Based on the law, I am not have to provide any identifying information for your birth family until they consent based on the Confidential Intermediary law. 

I have begun the research for your birth parents, however I have not been successful in locating any information for your birth mother or father based on information listed in the file.  I was able to find information for your legal father (he was married to your birth mother) at the time of your birth.  I have left a message for him to contact me.  My hope is that he may have some information or know someone that can help me make contact with her.

I will put the adoption summary information in the mail today and keep you abreast of any findings.


Yep. My birth mother was married. She was married at the time of my birth. She was not married to my biological father. I was thrown for a loop. Now I should have known to be open and expect the unexpected, however this was a bit different from the short story that I'd been told over the years. More questions were beginning to rise. Over the phone, Dee said that in order to minimize confusion, my birth mother's husband was being called my "legal father". Well of course! How could this be more confusing!(Rock with me on this blog. Obviously I am an emotionally expressive writer... and person.) My head was spinning. What twisted triangle was this?! Blank spaces were now being colored in, and the markings were not pretty...