Missing Links and Important Clues

I couldn't quite accept this closed door. My "legal father" was not responding to phone calls or messages. It was painful. I'd come so close to some answers. I had a fragment of the story, a small darkened piece of history. I tried desperately to see things from his perspective. But, without contact, my view was limited.  However, I had to count my blessings in what I did discover. I'd found out that my birth mother was married to another man who was NOT my biological father. That mattered. I found out that this "legal father" signed my adoption papers. That mattered. I found out that he had remarried, and that mattered. I have to say that I couldn't touch the depths of my pain and anger over the idea of another man signing me away into foster care. I grieved for the baby that I was. So helpless. I fought hard to keep my mind out the space of wondering what type of person gives away a child that is not his. My life, identity, and medical history matter. I felt like I was in a crap storm of human maneuverings and corrective attempts to poor decisions. I was and still am a life in the midst of it all. I matter.
 What no one seemed to have a clue about was my sister. My non-identifying information did not mention her. To my knowledge, my 'legal father" did not mention her. Was she his daughter? Did she exist? In the history of adoption, caseworkers have often made up stories and relatives to "doctor up" the family history of the child being adopted. Since Dee seemed to have no knowledge of my sister, I was wondering if she was "made up". I called my mom and told her about my recent discovery. She said that she was told that my birth mother was single and raising my disabled sister. My mother and I had some differing information at this point. The adoption papers that my mother had never mentioned my birth mother's marital status. My non-identifying information listed her marital status as separated. The papers that my mother possessed gave my birth mother's age at the time of my birth. My particular packet of paperwork did not give her age. When I asked Dee about my sister and the other mismatched information, she said that nothing was ever mentioned of a sister. Dee even questioned me on where I'd gotten that information. As I continued to mention missing information and concerns, Dee became quiet about questions concerning "missing" or "varying" information. My hope was sinking, and my frustration was rising. At this point, my "legal father" was my only "found" link to my beginnings. So in a last ditch effort, I wrote him a letter:

"Hello Sir,
 I really don't know how to start a letter like this. First, let me say "thank you" for responding to the intermediary. I truly appreciated hearing from you through her. At this time, I just want to express my heart..."

Dee, my confidential intermediary, said that it never occurred to her to ask the questions that I was asking. She felt that all contact was lost after that first and last phone call with my "legal father". She never sent my letter. He never saw it...