Cold Calls, Hot Potatoes

Here is where I digress a little from my initial contact with Diane. During this time, I was also on a hot trail to finding my sister. I'd enlisted the help of some private "searchers". They were "angels" of detection. By their help, my research, and an encounter with a library "angel" (a library historian who'd also been a social worker.), I discovered that I indeed had a sister. And, this sister existed on a list of 13 women who all shared some similar and important information. This led me to some heartwarming phone calls with complete strangers. Those calls gave me quite a bit of  encouragement on some weary days.

When the confirmed woman would answer the phone, I would tell her my name and the rest went as follows:

"I am doing research about my family tree. Is this a good time to speak with you about a private matter?"

 If they said yes, and they did, I would then tell them when and where I was born. After that, I would ask them if they had family living in or around Charlotte, NC at the time of my birth. I told them that I was trying to locate other family members that had lived there during that time. Then I would drop the atomic bomb of  questions: "Do you know of anyone in your family that relinquished a child for adoption?"

That question was loaded like a baked potato on hot bar Wednesday at Quincy's. Understandably, they'd start fumbling with it in their minds and into their words. The whole phone call was a steamy, foil wrapped potato that was searing to the touch. Some of the women started to formulate questions that they were going to ask their mothers and fathers. They were ready to toss that potato to a few of their family members. And, others knew immediately that their parents were not the people that I was looking for. For those who were suspicious of their kin, we would exchange more information until the potato began to cool. Their families were not my family. I went on to let them know that I called them because their names came up in my research. I was able to relay enough information to foster a sense of peace, understanding, and acceptance of the situation. Every one of those ladies offered a wealth of compassion. And once again, my heart melted like warm butter. I was grateful for the encounters. The cold calls had not led me to my sister, but I did have a great list of elimination going on. I was left with a few names that did not have a way for me to contact them, but I knew that one of those names belonged to my sister.
 I continued to work on my family tree that was housed on the Ancestry website. And, I was also preparing for my greatly anticipated visit with Diane. I was not quite prepared for what happened next...

Embracing Me: Wrapping Arms Around My DNA

Deoxyribonucleic acid is a molecule that carries the genetic instructions used in the growth, development, functioning and reproduction of all known living organisms and many viruses. 

LIFE.

Batteries For My Searchlight

It's innate.
That primal desire to know who you are and where you come from.
It 's natural.


  I was looking for my birth mother, I had active information open about my sister, and I was also looking for my biological father at the same time. It was heavy. I followed and acknowledged every lead. Nothing was wasted. Looking back, I wish that I'd just followed one line of research at a time. Perhaps I could have lessened my exhaustion that way. After I messaged my "2nd Cousin" match, Sam, I waited.  I also reached out to several other "4th Cousins or closer"  relatives. It was like searching through a box of new and used batteries. Which ones had the "juice" that was needed to power my search? Who had the goods? Who knew my biological parents?And yet, every person was uniquely helpful, and not to be discarded like old batteries. Each time I reached out with my story, I could sense that it sent a small shock wave into that person's life. And with each degree of closeness, I'm sure that the shock waves grew in intensity. Each person valuable in their own right, and incredible treasures in my life. During this time I met two "4th cousins" that were and remain golden. Prepare for a wild diversion of sorts...
 In early April, my sweet cousin Precious responded to my message immediately. She is predicted as my "4th Cousin". I found her hard at work on her own family tree. She shared with me that her grandfather had been adopted, and that she was searching for his biological relatives. She was more than happy to assist me in any way that she could. Honestly, the fact that she was willing to correspond with me was helpful to me. She offered me much needed encouragement and understanding. We didn't know exactly how we were cousins, but we were determined to work together in finding out. There's more to come in our adventure together.
  At this time I also reached out to my "4th Cousin" Diane. One night, I found her profile on Facebook, and I private messaged her. I shared with her how I'd found her name, who we both were related to, and that I was adopted. Her response to me broke my new defenses, melted my heart, and pierced my longing soul: I disintegrated into tears. Tears of gratitude. Tears of deep pain that I had not released before. Tears of joy. Tears of relief. Tears...
Also, when I read that you were adopted, it made me emotional. I hope that your family that adopted you gave you a good life and I am so happy that you found us! Wait until I tell my sister

  During that time of messaging, we arranged to speak on the phone the following day. Her first hello was warm and inviting. I was enveloped in a peaceful and a beautiful familiar love.  Our connection was instant. She spoke words of blessing and prayer for me and my family. Our family. I was readily placed in her open heart. We also discovered that we were living in the same state. We knew that a face to face meeting was the next step. It was forward movement. It was preparation. It was healing. As we talked about meeting face to face she said that she wanted me to "wrap arms around a DNA relative". She was the first relative that I made personal contact with during my search. I sobbed at her deep and thoughtful suggestion. As we concluded our first phone conversation, she welcomed me to the family. She welcomed me home. I laid in my bed and wept...

Relative Match

 On my last post I wrote about receiving my DNA results from a kit that I did. A little saliva goes a long, long way back. The results gifted me with my ethnic heritage and the revelation of the first DNA relatives known to me outside of my children. I opened my "Relative Matches" to discover that my closest relative was predicted as a "2nd Cousin". That was so close! This person could even be in the range of a "1st Cousin". I'd hit the jackpot! Most adoptees are hoping for a "3rd cousin" or closer. Lots of times, finding a gaggle of "4th Cousins" or greater (5th-10th/distant) is disheartening. If one only receives 4th cousins or greater,  then it would be difficult for an adoptee to trace their lineage to themselves. It gets complicated, difficult, frustrating, and dang near impossible. Couple that with the apprehension to help you by your recently discovered cousins, and you have a tangled ball of yarn in your lap. Granted, some relatives are not active on the site after seeing their ethnicity, others lack the knowledge of who your immediate relatives are, and some just don't give a flip. In time, I would encounter a representative (or 2) from every group. My world had just expanded. I'd just brushed the surface of my history. It was time to dig deeper.
 My "2nd Cousin" was such a gift to discover, but he had not been on the website in over a year. *Enter a severe heart drop and one extremely hard expletive* but, I wasn't giving up. I'd just started. So I messaged him. I addressed him and introduced myself. The rest is as follows:

I am on the journey of discovering my heritage. I see that you and I are related. I would like to know how we are related. Where are you from? Where is your family originally from? I am from Charlotte, NC, but I now live in Georgia. A lot of my relatives originate from South Carolina. I am trying to build my family tree. Would you be willing to share your tree with me? I hope that you and I can connect soon. 

 This would become one of my scripts as I searched. It was a way that I could approach people that were understandably skeptical in our scam-happy society. My heart ached. It ached because I had to hold out my "cup" to perfect strangers as I asked for "drops' of information that I hoped would lead to my biological parents. It felt somewhat degrading. But, I straightened my back, put a slight tilt to my chin, and moved forward on my trip around the mulberry bush...

DNA: My Heritage

  I had a friend to lovingly say that she did not want me to suffer through a long and tedious search. She was hoping that the identities of my bio parents would be revealed quickly and with ease. Her sweet wishes were a warm covering in the harsh cold of my governmental dealings. On April 6, 2016, I received the most uplifting news. I was in a bit of a pit as one of my searches had led to a dead end. Literally. I was excited for my search to be on an upswing. I'd gone to a PTA meeting the night that I discovered that Jacqueline Ellis was deceased. I could barely breathe. I felt so heavy. I darn sure wasn't "present" at that PTA meeting. I headed home to collapse on the couch beside my sweet husband. He began to provide words of comfort and encouragement. I was beginning to relax into a peaceful state when I decided that I would check my emails. BAM! I was no longer peaceful but exuberant with excitement... my DNA results were in! I was somewhat methodical in how I wanted to receive the information. I wanted to look at my ethnicity first, and then I wanted to look at my "Relative Matches".

I squeezed my eyes shut and slowly opened them to my screen. I am largely Nigerian. I felt an amazing sense of pride and fulfillment. My roots were appearing, and they were strong. I also got a couple of surprises. I have Irish heritage. That's so wild to me. I never would have guessed that. But, there was an even greater surprise. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to take a trip to Italy. That place lives in my soul. I can't explain it. I can smell the air. I can hear the busy and boisterous voices of the people. The landscape has always filled every inch of my being. The food, oh the food. I savored a land far away. My soul was invested in Italy, and I didn't know why...until now. I have a small bit of Italian heritage that lives so largely in my heart. I burst forth in laughter. I now understood my longing. This was just the beginning ...
 Next, I took a deep breath as I clicked on my "Relative Matches". This was huge. How close of a match would I have? Could one of my biological parents have tested? Would I discover a sibling, an aunt, or an uncle? Was there a relative who was looking for me? If a close relative had not tested, then I was in for a trip around the mulberry bush. I was hopeful. My heart was racing. I clicked on it to find that my closest match was a...

Alicia Keys - Send me an angel (Full version)

"Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere

 It's gonna take so long for me to get somewhere

 Sometimes I feel so heavy-hearted, but I can't explain 'cause I'm so guarded



That's a lonely road to travel, and heavy load to bear

And it's a long, long way to Heaven, but I gotta get there



Can you send an angel

Can you send me an angel

To guide me



Sometimes I feel like a door with no key

And all the answers are locked away in me

But they're so hard to find, especially when I'm feelin' lost and so blind



That's a lonely road to travel, and heavy load to bear

And it's a long, long way to Heaven, but I gotta get there



Can you send an angel

Can you send me an angel

'Cause I don't wanna feel like a dove with no wings

And I don't wanna know what a heart of stone would bring



That's a lonely road to travel, and heavy load to bear

And it's a long, long way to Heaven, but I gotta get there



Can you send an angel

Can you send me an angel

Please send me an angel

Can you send me an angel

To guide me



To guide me home...

'Cause I'm feelin' so alone in this big, big world"







Alicia Keys: Send Me An Angel

Don't Quit, Take An Interlude

 Jacqueline Ellis was not my mother.

 The birth certificate that I thought belonged to me was not mine. That baby did not survive, and the death certificate hit me with that fact. I reached a new dead end, and there were two souls in that cul-de-sac: Jacqueline and her baby girl. It was time to pause. Take an interlude. Exhaustion was beginning to complete it's destination to take over my being, and it was bringing it's twin friends desperation and despair. And yet, Compassion stood guard around my heart, and tenderly cared for me. Compassion had an indomitable strength, and it held me tight.

 During this brief moment,  I begin to wish that my biological parents were dead. It wasn't anger. The deceased leave a paper trail. Every indiscretion no longer a concern, because they'd moved on from this world and left all it's cares behind. It's easier to find the dead. At this point, I longed for ease. I've heard it said that trials and tough times make you strong. They build your character. They strengthen the sagging and drooping places of your inner person. I was like, "Just leave me weak.". Then I would laugh knowing that  it wasn't going to work out that way.
  In the beginning, Dee told me that if she found my bio parents, then they would have to legally consent (notarized paperwork) to contact with me before anything further about them was revealed. I was in a game of keep-away, and I was the monkey-in-the-middle. It was the kind of game where you're too short to grab the object that's being tossed over your head. And, you're not quick enough to seize the item as it's being stretched out of reach, and then being tossed past you as you're being held at arm's length. Dee relayed to me that if my parents were found to be deceased, then all of their information would be released to me, and that I would be connected with their next of kin. I was thinking, "Point me to the obituaries. I'm tired of this.". She also let me know that I would be charged a fee if either one of them were deceased, and I wanted to obtain their information. Wait. What?! The service of a confidential intermediary was free unless my bio parents were dead, and then I had to pay them for the information (mainly the death certificate). I'd now hitched a ride from the cul-de-sac by way of the "emotional turmoil bus". It was time to use these DNA results to figure this thing out for sure....without Dee, and without her knowing...

Side Dig

I refused to rest in deflation. After I wrote a letter to my "legal father", I actively waited for my DNA results. It wasn't easy to to travel on. I cried quite a bit, and I began to wonder if finding my biological family was impossible. It was a huge disappointment, to say the least. Anxiety was beginning to win a little. I was constantly trying to soothe my mind with "Be anxious for nothing... but through prayer and supplication, make your requests known to God...". (I was trying to soothe my mind, but my soul could not rest.) And yet, "faith without works is dead". It was a delicate balance. I kept working.
 I started a free trial with Ancestry. This led me on a bit of a detour. It was a "side dig", if you will. I began to use their "birth" search engine to look up African-American women that had a baby girl in NC matching the date and place of my birth. I found Jacqueline Ellis
 She seemed to be around the right age of my birth mother. She'd had a baby on my birthday. The baby's name was not listed. That looked interesting, and highly likely to be a child that had been adopted. I was hooked. I spent long nights tracing Jacqueline and her family. I even found where her name had been spelled differently on two of her children's birth certificates (including the one that I thought was me). Clerical errors happen, or a person alters their name so that they can't be found. I was intrigued. Hours turned into days, and the days turned into weeks. It all seemed to pass by without something to grasp onto. My dear husband would beckon me to come up for air. I'd made a vow not to neglect my precious and existing family. Some days I was in a limbo between two worlds, two different time frames. My prayers mostly consisted of one word: help.
   I searched through Jacqueline's family for about two weeks. Just as my senses had reached the height of nearing explosion, I found out that Jacqueline was deceased. I wanted to throw up. I felt that I'd possibly found my birth mother, and she was dead. My roller coaster ride was going down a hill. I grew numb in an instant. But, I was determined to move forward. She was a new lead in my search, and I wanted to rule her in or out. I needed solid facts about whether she was my birth mother or not. And, just as I was about to begin contacting her family on Facebook, my little roller car hit a sharp curve and did an upward trek... my DNA results were in!!!...