Don't Quit, Take An Interlude

 Jacqueline Ellis was not my mother.

 The birth certificate that I thought belonged to me was not mine. That baby did not survive, and the death certificate hit me with that fact. I reached a new dead end, and there were two souls in that cul-de-sac: Jacqueline and her baby girl. It was time to pause. Take an interlude. Exhaustion was beginning to complete it's destination to take over my being, and it was bringing it's twin friends desperation and despair. And yet, Compassion stood guard around my heart, and tenderly cared for me. Compassion had an indomitable strength, and it held me tight.

 During this brief moment,  I begin to wish that my biological parents were dead. It wasn't anger. The deceased leave a paper trail. Every indiscretion no longer a concern, because they'd moved on from this world and left all it's cares behind. It's easier to find the dead. At this point, I longed for ease. I've heard it said that trials and tough times make you strong. They build your character. They strengthen the sagging and drooping places of your inner person. I was like, "Just leave me weak.". Then I would laugh knowing that  it wasn't going to work out that way.
  In the beginning, Dee told me that if she found my bio parents, then they would have to legally consent (notarized paperwork) to contact with me before anything further about them was revealed. I was in a game of keep-away, and I was the monkey-in-the-middle. It was the kind of game where you're too short to grab the object that's being tossed over your head. And, you're not quick enough to seize the item as it's being stretched out of reach, and then being tossed past you as you're being held at arm's length. Dee relayed to me that if my parents were found to be deceased, then all of their information would be released to me, and that I would be connected with their next of kin. I was thinking, "Point me to the obituaries. I'm tired of this.". She also let me know that I would be charged a fee if either one of them were deceased, and I wanted to obtain their information. Wait. What?! The service of a confidential intermediary was free unless my bio parents were dead, and then I had to pay them for the information (mainly the death certificate). I'd now hitched a ride from the cul-de-sac by way of the "emotional turmoil bus". It was time to use these DNA results to figure this thing out for sure....without Dee, and without her knowing...