The paternity test results was a devastating reality. And, meeting Kevin Sr. and his family was an immense gift. I wanted DNA to connect me, Kevin, and his children. After all, finding blood relatives was the soul purpose of my search. But, the news of a biological connection was a fate that did not belong to us. And yet, we were connected in growing affection and budding friendships. It hurt. The sting came as a result of my crushed expectations and hopes. Many who counsel in the way of adoption searches and reunions tell adoptees to be open and devoid of expectations. I don't know how the heck they do that! Humanness can be a dry cup thirsty for the filling of hopes, dreams, and expectations. One can't help but to let a few drops seep in. It was exhilarating and fulfilling. We come in touch with new space, new lives, and new experiences. The breadth and depth of our love had expanded. Life had a brilliant novelty and a crushing force.
I felt like a fighter who was down, but not out. But, I most certainly was down. Kevin Sr. expressed a disappointment that warmed my heart and caused it to break all at once. His children were more than ready to keep dancing in this circle of love, family, and friendship. The tone of their voices gave way to sadness, but the expressions of their hearts were love and acceptance. They gently declared that they'd still have me as their sister, and the test results did not change that. Once again my heart hummed sweetly in gratitude as it was shrieking in pain. My heart was full of joy and pain. This soulful dichotomy was like that of a cracked windshield. I was breaking. One light tap and I was sure to shatter....
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